Improve Communication About Sex - 5 Tips
It is one of the essentials of a good relationship: great sex. Unfortunately, it usually does not happen automatically. Communicating effectively as sex partners leads to more intimate and fulfilling sex. However, many people find it challenging to discuss their sexual preferences; we are often afraid to hurt our partner's feelings or are afraid to be vulnerable. We are also not taught to communicate about sex. Add to that the existing taboo and the feelings of awkwardness due to (taught) shame it can cause. Here are five tips on how and when to best communicate about sex with your partner.
Why Talk About Sex?
If your sex life needs extra attention, discussing this together is essential to challenge yourself, to discover yourself and your partner further - and above all, to keep it fun.
Your life is constantly changing. Your body is also subject to change. The conversation about what you long for or are insecure about will also change during your life together. Talking about sex remains essential.
How To Talk About Sex
Be kind and positive.
Be careful and respectful with each other.
Be open to the vulnerability of the other.
Be appreciative of what your partner shares with you.
Keep asking, and show interest.
Do not judge. Try to understand each other.
Do you feel threatened by your partner's desires or fantasies? If the conversation makes you feel insecure or angry, try to pause that for a moment. Remember that the conversation is about getting to know each other better and working towards more emotional and physical intimacy.
Take It Outside The Bedroom
To improve your sex life, having conversations about sex outside the bedroom is recommended. Avoid having the conversation in the bedroom, during sex, or immediately after sex. Instead, wait for a moment in a neutral space when both of you are comfortable and can talk calmly. Pointing out what is "wrong" with sex can lead to hurtful discussions. In addition, it makes no sense to look for a cause since there is no culprit, and there is no 'right.' Instead, choose a positive approach. In bed, it is better to limit yourself to non-verbal communication. Emphasize what you enjoy, for example, by leading their hands. But of course, set a clear boundary if you do not like something.
In addition, you can not try something new if you do not propose it. However, it can be threatening if you unexpectedly bring up new initiatives during sex. Therefore, sexual experiments are also best discussed outside the bedroom. In a relaxed environment, it is easier to make a decision together.
Prioritize & Dose Feedback
If sex has not been a topic of conversation in your relationship before, try to prioritize talking about what you want to work on first. If you vent about everything you feel is "lacking" in your sex life, it might appear as if you are not satisfied with anything. Also, give it a more positive spin by mentioning the things you like and expressing your wishes. For example, instead of saying, 'you never take the initiative,' say,' I like it so much when you take the initiative. Could you do that more often?'
Do Not Focus On Problems Only
Sex becomes more comfortable to discuss when you highlight different aspects of sex. Try not to broach the subject when you want to change or give feedback. Instead, have more fun and explorative conversations more neutrally. Ask your partner about their needs, fantasies, context preferences (timing, location, music), and other subjects around sex. Talking about sex more frequently and in a relaxed setting helps to break the feeling of awkwardness, is exciting, and keeps the topic light. And, of course, give concrete compliments if last night was fantastic for your partner to know what was so amazing - so you can do it again.
Be Open To Feedback
Just as you have your ideas, needs, and feedback, so might your partner. So do your best to make it a two-way street: say what you would like, but pay equal attention to your partner's experiences and needs. This is also a key component in keeping sex fun in long-term relationships.
Final Note
If discussing sex continues to be difficult, it might be helpful to seek guidance. The problem often does not resolve itself and can be divisive for the relationship. Often an objective third person can be the support you and your partner need to help get the conversation going and clarify communication patterns. As a result, your relationship will improve noticeably.
